Entry 0070

I'm sad/anxious/scared/automatic negative thoughts. But I'm going to visit my grandpa today and we will watch our shows.

I might take half of a clonazepam before I go. I don't really have the energy to let my nervous system do the heavy lifting. Honestly I question whether consistently letting my nervous system do the heavy lifting will desensitize me, anyway. When my mental health issues started, I was in high school and working at a restaurant part-time. My OCD made it so that I couldn't quit work. So I went through school five days a week and work three to four days a week, and sometimes school and work days overlapped. I did this with no meds or anything, and my nervous system was left to do the heavy lifting. I believe this had the effect of traumatizing me further, rather than desensitizing me.

Granted, back then I didn't really know what I was dealing with. So today I have more awareness and knowledge about what to expect in anxiety-inducing situations. I don't have any techniques for dealing with it on demand, other than trying to ignore it and press on. I don't know if there really are any special techniques besides that. Anything more complex than that would seem to require more cognitive resources. It's almost impossible to focus on anything else when anxiety and intrusive thoughts have you pinned in a corner.