Entry 0048

The automatic depressive thoughts broke containment earlier than usual tonight. I slightly feel like crying but I don't think it will manifest. I suspect this has to do with exhaustion from going to a social event earlier and driving through rush hour traffic. I went to have dinner with my parents at a restaurant. I didn't take clonazepam until I got home. My nervous system tolerated being in public well. We didn't stay for long; we ate and left.

I received some good news when we got home. I received a check in the mail as a partial disbursement from a class-action settlement. I already received most of this settlement a couple years ago, but there is still some left to be disbursed. I won't say how much the check was for, but it was a very non-trivial amount. This makes me feel good in some remote intellectual sense, but it doesn't do anything to quell the depressive thoughts at this moment. I tried to explain this to my mom, but she doesn't understand how I can't be in a jovial, celebratory mood. My parents seem to be more viscerally joyed than I am about it.

Maybe I'll get a few watts of dopamine from some light retail therapy. I think I'm going to order six more plain black t-shirts. The material these are made out of is ideal. The cotton ones I have tend to look crappy after a few washes, and the necks are loose and stretched, which annoys the heck out of me. These new ones don't have those problems. They also fit my upper body well. The cotton ones I have kind of look like I'm wearing a sheet with a hole for my head to fit through. The only problem with this spandex material is that there's usually a lot of static electricity built up in it, so I have to apply lotion to my upper body before putting them on, which gets rid of the static.