Entry 0018

I had intense anxiety earlier, so I took clonazepam. I'm less viscerally anxious now, but now I have automatic negative thoughts.

On a positive note, I've been walking outside almost every day for the past two weeks. The days I don't walk are Wednesdays and Fridays, as those are the days I go to visit my grandpa and we watch our shows. I feel like I've lost a little more weight. My clothes feel bigger.

I've become disillusioned with online dating sites. I've realized that the only way to meet someone is if I attend some kind of meetup with people with shared interests. It's going to take a lot of nervous system energy to do that. I'm kind of pessimistic/cynical about the prospect of socializing going wekk at such a meetup. My speech issues and social phobia are going to make me not fun to socialize with. I'm not going to enjoy it, which means I'd likely leave early and not attend another meetup again, or at least for a long time.

It's not anyone's fault if it doesn't go well. People have expectations regarding how they should feel in social interactions, and these expectations are valid and reasonable. If I simply don't vibe with others, or if talking to me is analogous to driving down a road that is in dire need of construction, people have a right to avoid that. I also wouldn't make any good impressions by being a silent observer, and in fact that might just come across as creepy. A silent observer isn't someone people would go out of their way to include in their group, because I wouldn't produce any social value for them.